American Ingenuity Reaches New Lows with the Dewito

By Jacob Knutson

Move over Neil Armstrong and the Lunar Landing, because the next ground breaking, history-changing human accomplishment has arrived: Dewitos, the liquidation of the beloved Doritos.

I’ve heard many people enjoy Mountain Dew and Doritos together, when they play video games I’m guessing. Now Pepsi-Co and Frito-Lay have heard this too, and with the help of tools leftover from the Manhattan Project, they have liquefied solid Doritos. Why did they do this? Did they receive too many complaints about noise pollution from so much crunch? About fingers becoming far too greasy to grip the controller? Or perhaps it was too hard to maintain an unhealthy diet with all that chewing you have to do, because that burns calories as well? For whatever reason, they did it, and now you can shotgun a bag of Dewitos and not have to worry about any painful shards stabbing your precious gums. Their new campaign motto should be: Chewing is for squares!

You have to wonder who would actually actually drink this concoction. In any case, with the new flavored Mountain Dew they have been holding taste tests at, as you can guess, a few colleges around the nation. One Redditor, joes_nipples, consumed the radioactive looking beverage and wrote, “It actually tasted like Doritos. It tasted like orange with a Doritos aftertaste. It tasted like straight Doritos afterwards, though. Weirdest thing I’ve ever drunken.” We’ll have to excuse joes_nipples’ poor grammar, because I’m sure all the chemicals in the substance have cut off some neurotransmitters in his mind, similar to lead paint. Frito-Lay has clearly found their marketing niche: team up with another big name company, slap the Doritos name on the sucker, and watch millions of people, many of whom may empathize with joes_nipples, spend their hard earned Greenbacks on a poor interpretation of real food.

In our world we now have Doritos chips, Doritos tacos, and now Mountain Dew Doritos. It makes you wonder what they will doritoize next. Could it be chocolate? Suckers? Twinkies? Burgers? Fries? Gum? Pizza? Is Doritos taking over the world one snack food at a time? Will Doritos flavored sliced bread be the biggest thing since sliced bread? What deck of cards do they have up their sleeve? Will they manufacture baby formula to start the kids out young and get them hooked? Doritos flavored water? All we can do is wait and see, and keep our bile to a minimum.

We seniors have spent the last 12 years of our lives studying generations before us, and now it is our chance to make a mark in history. So what do we want to be remembered by? Do we want to be remembered for curing cancer? Finding life on another planet? Solving the world’s food or energy crisis? Ending global warming? Or assembling as many new snack foods as we can and shoving them down our already satisfied throats.