Fiction: A Good Leprechaun Is Hard to Find

By Brad Green

Once upon a time there was a leprechaun who worked as a stock broker in Seattle but no one knew he was a leprechaun they just thought he was a midget. His dream was to work in New York but, as everyone knows, it never rains in New York. Meaning there are never any rainbows, so he wouldn’t be able to deposit his earnings. Also he was too afraid of being mugged in crime ridden New York because he’s too small to protect himself. So he got a job in Seattle instead and every day after a rainstorm he would go to the end of the rainbow and deposit any money he had made since the last rainbow. But a few weeks later the daily rainstorm didn’t stop. So he just took his money home and put it under his mattress, drank the blood of an innocent virgin angel puppy since he was a pagan leprechaun, then went to bed. He just treated it as if it were an average night the best he could.

When he woke up the next morning it was still raining. He immediately drove to the local weather station to find out why they didn’t warn him of the extra-long rainstorm. When he pulled up to the station he found out they were closed because it was raining so hard. So he just drove on back home. But before he went home he stopped at the humane society to adopt another virgin angel puppy for that night. When he finally got home he realized it was only Friday and he was late for work. So he drove to work and was planning to make up an excuse as to why he was lat, but accidentally told his boss the truth. His boss asked why he cared so much that it was raining and the leprechaun realized his mistake and wouldn’t tell anything more. So his boss took him into the interrogation room and immediately started waterboarding him until he was unconscious. A few minutes later he woke up to his boss preparing his cat o’ nine tails and he got so scared of being whipped that he immediately told his boss the truth about why he was so worried about the rainstorm. His boss thought he was stupid for thinking it’s a big deal because he’s a leprechaun too and he’s far more experienced and knew what to do when there was a long rainstorm. He told him to just go to rainbow road where there are always rainbows.

He asked his boss if he could have the rest of the day off and his boss happily allowed it. When he was at rainbow road depositing his money, his boss looked through his computer and found clues that he was stealing money. He found multiple receipts for virgin angel puppies in his desk drawer. He was confused on how he could afford that many puppies without stealing because virgin angel puppies are the most expensive and luxurious puppies in the world. When the leprechaun returned to work his boss asked him about the receipts. The leprechaun immediately ran out the door and home to drink the blood of his last virgin angel puppy before he was sent off to prison. His boss chased after him but the leprechaun ran faster because he exercised at the YMCA every Tuesday afternoon. When he got home he was just about to sink his teeth into the virgin angel puppy when his boss busted down the door and shot his teeth out one by one. Then he threw a lamp at his boss and knocked him out and was in the process of trying to bite through the puppy’s skin when the puppy realized what was happening and sharpened his teeth with his claws and ate the leprechaun and grew up to be an honest, virgin, angel, stock broker puppy in New York.

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