Meet the Remaining Presidential Canidiates! (A not-so-friendly guide)

By Ben Newman and Nen Bewman

As we near our primary here in South Dakota, which will be held on June 7, it would probably be a good idea to get to know the candidates running for President of the United States. There are  six candidates still in the race. For the Republicans, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and John Kasich. For the Democrats Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. However these people are not the best people for the job. They know nothing about politics and are complete and utter idiots. The country would be in better hands if Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse were running.

Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence while expanding his interests in real estate, sports, and entertainment. He is the archetypal businessman – a deal maker without peer. In all reality though he isn’t trying to make America great again, rather make his name great again. Four of his companies have filed for bankruptcy. He also has no clue what he is doing having never been an elected official. When asked about his relationship with the Mexican people he said, “I have a great relationship with the Mexican people.” Yet he’s going to build a giant wall and completely cut them off from America and on top of that he’s going to make them pay for it even though he’s rich enough to build his own wall. On the topic of politics in general he said, “One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don’t go into government.” I guess that means you’re not a good person, are you Donald?

Ted Cruz is also running for the Republican nomination. Cruz was the former Solicitor General for the state of Texas and became a senator for Texas in 2013. But we all know Cruz is really the Zodiac Killer. He once said, “I’ve spent the past month in Washington, D.C., and it is terrific to be back in America.” Go retake geography. Here’s a news flash: Washington D.C. is in America. On the issue of healthcare Cruz stated, “I don’t think it’s government’s job to find health care for people. I think it’s the individual’s job to find health care.” Thanks for pushing Grandma off the cliff, Ted.

Marco Rubio is also trying to get the nomination. In 2000 he was elected to the Florida House of Representatives and became Speaker of the House in 2006. In 2010 he was elected senator for the state of Florida. On the subject of Democrats Rubio made this statement: “People have a right to be a Democrat. People have a right to be wrong. I know they’re the same thing.” As a Republican you don’t have it all figured out either. Is Rubio even old enough to be President; he’s twelve right?

John Kasich is the fourth and final Republican candidate. He was elected governor of Ohio in 2010. In every debate he doesn’t talk about the issues or how he’s going to fix them, all he says is “Ohio this” and “Ohio that.” On being in Washington he once said, “Every time I go to Washington, I break out in a cold sweat. So I try not to spend too much time there.” And you want to be President. So what you’re telling us is if you’re elected president we’re going to have another world flood. Better call up Noah.

Now on to the Democrats.

Hillary Clinton is the former First Lady of the United States and the former Secretary of State. Honestly she’s too old and should probably go to a retirement home and live out the rest of her life in peace. “I believe in transparency,” she said.  And how many scandals have you been involved in? Whitewater, Monica Lewinsky, Benghazi, and the E-mail scandals just to name a few. She also believes in freedom, saying, “Freedom means the right of people to assemble, organize, and debate openly.” However those who don’t agree with your opinion are wrong and uneducated, but we can all debate OPENLY, right? If you’re a woman and don’t vote for your fellow gender than you’re an anti-feminist.

Bernie Sanders is the only other candidate in the Democratic field. He became senator of Vermont in 2006 and before that spent 16 years in the House of Representatives. Bernie wants to make everything free: free healthcare, free college, you name it and he’ll probably try to make it free. Kind of reminds me of Oprah when she gave away cars. Here’s Bernie at the White House saying, “You get healthcare! And you get health care!” On National Security he once said, “I believe the American people want us to be safe rather than sorry.” But let’s let every Syrian refugee and Mexican come into the country even though we have no clue who they are, yep that’s real safe.

There you have it. The Republicans, what a bunch: a bankrupt old man, the zodiac killer, a twelve year old, and a man who eats sleeps and breathes Ohio. And the Democrats: an old crazy woman and a man who gives everything away for free.

Photo Credit:  Republican Elephant & Democratic Donkey 2016 by DonkeyHotey