This year, our winter break is 12 days long. While many of us are going out of town to visit family, some of us are stuck here in town without our pals. What is a bored student to do?
Here are some unusual ideas for kids not willing to catch up on homework during the break.
1. Test if the anti-flammable tree spray is actually anti-flammable.
This is best tested around cotton, dryer lint, and flash paper if you have it. If you survive the encounter, please do write back to the Pine Needle so we can spread the results of your experiment. Note: Do not involve law enforcement!
2. Decorate a tree entirely with candy, but not candy canes.
Melt chocolate onto your tree. Smear marshmallow fluff on your tree. Propose to your tree, and slide a lifesaver onto one of its thinner branches as the ring. Glue Skittles to the trunk, I don’t know, just don’t bother with those cliche candy canes.
3. Make a shrine to Krampus. Include raw steak.
Last year’s edgy Christmas horror film is this year’s Christmas patron demon. Now, I was too afraid to actually watch the movie myself, but Krampus seems like the kind of guy who’d appreciate a nice bloody steak, so be sure to include that on the shrine.
4. Wrestle a raccoon
Though this one should be pretty self-explanatory, I’ve been informed that wrestling any kind of clawed wildlife is not a holiday tradition in most houses. Personally, I’m disappointed in the decline of our essential holiday traditions, including covering your tree with spider webs, burning a 13-meter tall goat structure made of straw, and hiding a pickle somewhere in your Christmas tree. Perhaps it’s time we revive some of our traditions, starting with wrestling an angry raccoon.
5. Steal a stop sign and sled with it.
There’s nothing like defacing public property to get the blood flowing to your extremities.
6. Shoot snowmen.
Frosty the Snowman was prophetic. Those anthropomorphic snow figures will inevitably rise against us. Better to teach them who’s boss before they ever get the chance to overpower us than to be caught unawares by their carrot-nosed onslaught. Reminder: don’t stand behind the snowman. That would be stupid.
7. Eggnog challenge
It’s like the milk gallon challenge, but infinitely more festive. There’s nothing that can get you more into the Christmas spirit than vomiting a spiced egg-milk mixture out of your nose.
8. Fill a water balloon with grape jelly and throw it at wild turkeys.
Thanksgiving would have been a better time to do this, but better late than never, right? Gather your funnels, sticky jam jars, and your friends with cars, and give those turkeys the only non-fatal drive-by they’ll ever experience.
9. Harass local geese.
Dealing with geese is always a gamble, but it’s a gamble I’m willing to force you all to make. There’s nothing like running screaming from local wildlife to get you hungry for Christmas dinner.
10.Melt cheese onto snow and feed it to something or someone.
The raccoon we mentioned earlier would probably be game for this snack, especially after all that hard work wrestling you. Hold a block of cheese over a lighter until it gets goopy, then let the goop run onto the nearest snowdrift. Yellow snow can add a certain something to the flavor, in my opinion.
11. Reenact Joaquin Guzman’s escape and create a snow tunnel with a motorcycle inside.
Better known as “El Chapo,” the drug lord we base this fun holiday activity on escaped for the second time in July of 2015 through a mile-long tunnel dug by his cronies under his cell. So when next you get snowed into your house, channel your inner drug lord and tunnel your way free!
Sage Preble is the Editor-in-Chief of the Pine Needle and accepts no criminal culpability for what happens during your winter break.
Artwork by Sydney Bitz