Your Milk Is Too Grainy

Everything in the world is being milked. It’s time for everyone to seriously just find a cow.

By Blake Bush

Can we please stop milking every random object we find? I swear, it’s like every time I go to the supermarket they’ve expanded the milk fridges another five feet. It’s like every hipster across the U.S. is trying to find the next big milk. “I’ve got cashew!” one cries, while another screams, “I’ve got brand new HEMP milk! Now with THC!” Humans couldn’t have just stopped with cow’s milk, we were blinded by our lactose lechery. First, we went and split open some poor coconut, and called that sad watery excuse for liquid milk. Then it was the nuts, and who knows what else is next.

There are 22 different types of milks that are carried commercially by stores. TWENTY-TWO. Last I checked, 21 of those don’t come from an animal. Take nut milk, for example. Every variety we know today was synthesized by some wackjob with too much time on his hands, not using anything that a sane person would consider when they think of milk. Perhaps they were the result of some occult magic, because who in their right mind looks at a cashew and thinks “Yeah, I could milk that”?

The most egregious example of this unholy nut-milk curiosity in my mind is almond milk. Almond milk is right next to cow’s milk in popularity, but why? How could this anti-American scientific mistake even come close to competing with our freedom-loving, home-grown cows? I have your answer if it wasn’t obvious: it’s the lactose intolerant COWARDS defacing our good, wholesome dairy industry. These poor wretches are so sickly that they can’t handle even a single glass of milk without running for the nearest bathroom or trash can. So what is one of these poor invalids to do when they want something to put in their cereal? I know what I would do, just find lactose-free milk, problem solved. Unfortunately, these sick freaks would rather abuse some poor nut than take the product of our cow’s hard work. It’s disgusting.

The only thing more disgusting is the “milk “we make out of grains. If nut milks were created by occult magic, then grain milks are the epitome of man’s tyranny on himself. We could’ve stopped at milking legumes, but no. We decided to suck up every ounce of any milkable substance like some kind of dairy vampire. We went from oat to flax, to quinoa, to rice, to pea milk. Can somebody tell me why we need this many different milks? I’m begging for an answer.

This very question has kept me awake for days, all culminating in this article that’s beginning to look more like a cry for help than any serious commentary on the dairy industry. I thought grains were just the yellow part of that weird plate diagram that health teachers are required by law to hang in their classrooms, not a basis for milk. It’s unsettling to think about how many poor grains were subjected to the torture of milkification. I implore you, dear reader, don’t give in to what that stoner hipster on the side of the road tells you, these milks are not the future. Invest in dairy, save America. Seriously guys, just find a cow, it isn’t that hard.

Image: Almond Milk by Mike Mozart on Flickr